if we're adding to the noise

To quote switchfoot at -what I personally think- one of their greatest song ever.
People can be very loud at times. Don't get me wrong, even I think I myself is loud. And at times, being loud is okay. We often mistake the perception that loud is vibrant. I don't think so, at least not anymore.
I laugh when I want to, and sometimes people don't like it. Of course I don't laugh at funerals or at times of mourning, and of course I don't laugh in people's face when they're genuinely telling me their idea.
I say what I think, and also sometimes people don't like even that. Well this struck me sometimes.

If you don't like even that, what do you want me to do?

I myself value what little dignity I have left, at least to myself, or to the eyes of every people out there who view me less than who I really am. I value a lot of things, actually. A lot of things which I hold dear to my heart. I value friendship, I value redemption, I value heart-to-heart conversations, I value what fashion means and does to me and to other people, I value best-friends. I cannot say the same about honesty though.

1. Because I think people lie to themselves and to people around them every day, and still they over-react when people lie.
2. Because people so often mistake honesty for something else. And mistake lying for something else. They expected honesty from me when in fact I was not lying in the first place. I said this before but I think keeping something a secret is different from lying.
3. Because I've lied before and even though I think honesty will someday overwhelm me, (and possibly save me from going to hell,) I still think it often is such a 'Much Ado About Nothing' situation. My writing on this may be bit biased but I still think it's true. At least some of it. You tell me.

I value faith.
Faith, unlike honesty, is what has been saving me all this time.
Having faith is sometimes the easiest thing in the world. I have faith because I cannot afford to lose what I believe in. I have faith because I cannot hold on to dear life if it were otherwise.
And still my faith is not less than other peoples', even though my reasons of having it may not be as noble as anyone else'.

I find that faith, unlike honesty is often under-rated.
I try to be as honest as possible, given the fact that lying has put me in a place where I did not want to be.

But I suppose I should thank them.
Some days people will find out and they will hate me.
And if that happens, I will not hate people who fell into the same hole as me
thanks to lying.

And if that happens, I will not try to commit suicide of slice part of my hands.
thanks to faith.

I may be once again biased, but then I think people should listen more to the song I told you about at the beginning of the post.

If we're adding to the noise,
turn off this song.

If people hate you,
I won't. Because I know what it's like, and I have no intentions of doing to you what they'll do to me.

Thank you, Switchfoot!

how it would've if it could've

I think about the title excessively. And still nothing rings a bell.
How it would've if it could've.
How it would have gone if it could have gone.

I find that this fraction of the imagination will be legitimate to apply in everything in life. Story endings, fashion design, recipes, painting, photography, decorating, architecture, business deals. And each how it would've if it could've would end up with a different answer to every single one. It would've been better if I could've stick to the plan. It would've been better if I could've stayed. It would've been better if I could've run away. It would've been lazily pleasing if I could've studied. Grammatical errors may be here and there, but of course, it would've been different if I could've put my heart more in studying English.

Despite all of this. I find that how it would've if it could've doesn't and will never apply to one thing.
Mistakes.

Imagination is not something to use when looking back at a mistake. Mistakes and failures are different though. I'm talking about the stupid, stupid, you-know-you-shouldn't-but-you-did-anyway mistake. I look back so often, too often in fact, that the more I think about it, the less I care. And then comes the thing we all dread in this life. And that is no other than fear.
Oh how I hate this.
Fear ruins every thing I imagine I'll be having. Fear ruins me. Fear pins you down and leave. Fear kills. Fear drags you back. In school, fear would be the popular kids, looking like they have the most power when actually love does. Oh God I'm so corny I can't stand it.

Moving on.
Ultimately, what I wanted to assure myself of today is that How it would've if it could've doesn't apply in looking back at mistakes. We feel sorry for ourselves, we pity ourselves, we feel ashamed, we feel embarrassed, we feel regret. But always always the how it would've if it could've applied to looking back at mistakes will ultimately be the same.

It would've been better if I could've never let it happen.
And this is good. Because when you realize this, the next time someone made a mistake, you'll be enjoying the sunshine with a glass of lemonade while the other person is just realizing what you are realizing now : to try your best and never give the same mistake a chance ever again in the first place.

an epiphany

Always wondered how people cope with bullying.
Or with death
Or with being judged
Or with being disliked
Or with being told what to do
Or with being the dark horse and knowing people take you as it
Or with being in love.

I think nowadays people view love the same as being ultimately dead.
We sacrifice ourselves, give ourselves, sacrifice our time, wealth, better judgments for the sake of the other half. Yes but I suppose being in love is not as agonizing as it is being talked about, is it?
The mind constantly worry. The heart constantly rambles. We go crazy, we grow restless. Eventually we end up dead also.

I always wonder at how people cope with being bullied or talked about or judged.
I assume people who have been through the bitter experience and are back on their feet are a lot stronger than me. But then again, in my almost-sixteen-years of living, I find around me many people as such. Therefore the world must be filled with strong people, is it not? That scares me, at times.

Lifting yourself up again is not easy. And I never saw myself as capable of doing that again, even though God has helped me to do that the first time. But then again, God has been so kind to me as to grant me a life where --so far--, I have never had the opportunity to have to be capable.  I sometimes wonder at how they do that. And at how I can never imagine of doing that. Therefore, it scares me that people are strong. Stronger.

I can never know where I'll take myself. I do know, however, that I will try and make the most of what I have. It's cheesy, this line, I know. But how can it remain that way when it is the utter truth?
I sometimes have those thoughts in my head. And those days in my life, restless heart, the worrying mind and rambling to myself.

Don't give me that crap I know you all have them too.

And those kind of thoughts consume me. Seldom gives me time to get anything done. Hate it.
And so today, I have found the answer for all of us whose minds are worrying that people are talking behind our backs, whose hearts keep on rambling, assuring ourselves that they aren't judging you when in fact, deep in our hearts, we know they are. Even though these kinds of thoughts are rarely true, it is time to let go of them.

If you pass by me in the hallways
or coincidentally caught my stare
maybe I'd be scared.
But I'm done being scared when I'm alone.
And who knows? Maybe I'll be done being scared of being alone sometime in the future,too.

Because when I'm alone no one can do anything.
Let them talk, let them bully, let them judge, let them hate, let them gossip.
All I know is when they do all of that,
I will be happy.

"Because by the next 29th February you will not have changed,

but I will be better."

picture from WeHeartIt.com

today!!!!

Today is a fine day, thanks to Elvira Lesmana and Meidiana Lie for the traktir at D'cost :D
Today is a fine day, also because the fitting with Michelle Tumewu is done and final! It went fabulous and the dress fits perfectly.

Southleg will be moved backwards to the 10th of July, making it a one year plus 8 days anniversary of the garden project. It's so exciting!

but some things went awful because of things that are unnecessary.
All I can say is that in life each individual knows things about themselves that other people don't know. Stop messing around with people's head dude!!!!!!

Lalu besok MB, MB kemarin sabtu berjalan dengan cukup lancar lah, Jumat pagi nya nyari kursi and found the perfect kursi! A shame we didn't take pictures with it yaaaaaa Lyd No Ros

oke lah selesai udah ah dadaaaaaaahhhhhh

happy holidays!

Happy holidays everyone!
Yes anak kelas sembilan sudah libur! senangnyaaa dan kemarin gue tidur jem 2 pagi dan hari ini bangun jem 1 siang aaah enak nyaaa tidur tanpa beban dan segala macem.
Now that everything's done, sekarang tinggal worry about things yang lebih penting, seperti contohnya Southleg project! okelah besok ada fitting dengan Michelle Tumewu, my Isis.
I can'tbelieve it's actually going on schedule yay. Jadwalnya adalah april harus selesai si Tume punya, ya bisalah selesai. Trus mei itu harus selesai lydia punya trus baru Clarisa. Bisalaaah. By Juli bisa good deh semua bisa udah taken care of.

oke moving on, apalagi ya?
Hari ini lehaleha doang nih dan I don't care. HA!
liburan ini bakal dihabiskan dengan isitirahat, tidor dan menjahit dan tidak lupa juga, MB.
oiya speaking of MB, kemarin sabtu itu our (kelas 9) first time back. Berjalan dengan yaa lumayan lah tidak ada halangan, dan stretchingnya banyak dan banyak yang gua gabisa. Ya tapi that's not a problem lah pasti bakalan bisa.

oke apa lagi ya?
udah ah gue mau tidur lagi.
Dadah semua! happy holidays! 

it's official!

selamat pagi semua! welcome to an epiphany.
Now I take it that my friends are still asleep.
Well that's okay because kita libur!

kemarin ujian nasional dan berjalan dengan super smooth, with God's help and bantuan dari bapak ibu guru serta teman teman seperjuangan. Tinggal tunggu hasil dan ya terus udah deh.
Can't believe sebentar lagi SMA. AAAAA.
my dream since I was a wee kid. SMA Santa Ursula sudah di tangan sekarang, jadi I have no thing to complain about. Trus graduation dan satu lagi yang paling exciting untuk Nadya: Southleg!

Liburan ini bakal dihabiskan dengan menjahit di rumah dan fitting dengan model. Terus maybe a few lunch plans with friends or my sisters.
Oh! kemarin abis selesai UN, ada party nya si MariaKristina, one of my friends. Her party was perfect to end everything.

Nah trus kemarin gua jalan jalan ke GI juga sama Livia Niken Megan Kem Adine Theresa dan Disha, ceritanya liat forever21 dan banyak lagi, menemukan a few things for Southleg, trus nongkrong di starbucks bawah. Ketemu ka nyssa lagu ngobrol, terus ketemu kakak gua dan tante gua sedang jalan bareng, trus Niken bertemu cinta nya yang ternyata sudah punya pacar.

there are no words.

Oh sebelom ke GI kita ke pasbar dulu sambil nungguin yang panitia perpisahan rapat, terus kita (gua Lydia Tasia Kem Cindy) nongkrong di KFC, makan makan ngobrol ngobrol terus balik ke sekolah.

Dan akan menyelamat-datangkan diri sendiri ke MB.
hari ini latam dan besok sudah latian resmi pertama kalinya.

Terus udah deh!
Had fun yesterday and am finally free from studying.
Let's hope for the best everyone!

Per chi?

I don't know for who I was created. 

I don't know for who I was meant to be. 

I don't know for who I was changed.

And I don't know for who I will die.

But I do know this. 

I will live my life for no one

if not for myself.

akhir

ter akhir.
halo sebelumnya maaf ga update teruuus because ya biasalah tugas dan pembelajaran. regarding this post, ya hari ini i felt like i should be posting because today is the last time I will study in SMP Santa Ursula.
Hari ini hari pembelajaran terakhir gue dan temen temen kelas 9 gue di SMP sanur jakarta. Of course i feel today is a post-worthy day.
Ya gue di sanur dari TK, banyak juga yang bilang bahwa sebenernya ga bagus laah karena ga kenal lingkungan baru, jadi ga gampang sosialisasi lah, dan lain-lain, ditambah semua hal dan isu orang orang sotoy dari luar yang bilang bahwa sekolah homogen itu biasanya jelek. Now i know that in the past three years of my life, I've said things, which some of them I still feel the same way about right now. But as I was saying, I've said some things that, however true, just shows that I may have been blinded, at some point.
Hey don't get me wrong, sanur pun mempunyai banyak faults dan flaws, yang kadang-kadang, gue pun -yang sangat almamaterisme (if there is such a word)- merasakan dampaknya. I have said some things I know I shouldn't, ego boosted in my kotak-kotak skirt, been talked about just because I go to an all-girl school, and even heard people talk about how 'unqualified' sanur is (well in THEIR eyes, at least).
This blog had received some nasty curses and unladylike words about the stressfulness me and my friends went through, particularly the ones regarding school subjects and such, and today I feel like I owe Santa Ursula something.

Yes I have cursed, I have hated, I have thought about going somewhere else
but today I am telling you
that I am what I am because of my school.

I for one, feel blessed to have been given the opportunity to actually study in the place I study in now.
and to quote Audrey Hepburn,
everything I learned, I learned from Santa Ursula.
So thank you Santa Ursula, SMP, in particular, for keeping up with me through all the phases of my teenage life, and for accepting me the way I am, and changing me to the way I've become. I went through a lot in sanur, and everything I went through, I went through with support.

                    

 

                  

And today also I realized that I posted all of these things, thanking God for giving me the greatest friends imaginable. I never thanked the place they come from and the place that made them.
So thank you, Santa Ursula for being the school you are; filled with quality educators, and for meeting me with the awesome people I met.

Thank you for forging the metal I was into steel.